Not every church has a Lou Iandoli. Probably every church has the loveable crack-up dad who can make farting noises with any body part. They all have the Jewish evangelical Christian convert who drives a different minivan than his wife. But my church had Lou Iandoli, who (in addition to all those things) was also the over-eager percussionist who was so nice and helpful, no one had the heart to tell him  to stop playing Xylophone solos during the years from 1996-2003.

I don't know if you know what a percussionist is, but they are the weird guys in the band, which is usually a bunch of weird guys and girls. So percussionists can be considered the weird guys even among a bunch of weirdos. They carry their sticks and mallets around in "ditty bags" and don't adhere to the same rules as you or I. They play things like the snare drum, the Crash Cymbals, and if you're lucky, they might break out some Timpani or Gong every once in a while. Gongs are good- they just get a laugh every time you hit one- I can't really explain why. 

How Bach's Xylophone may have looked

But in the same way that a Gong has a decidedly Asian theme to it's sound, the Xylophone has a decidedly Carribean sound to it. Not quite as much as say, Steel Drums, but it definitely falls into the realm of Tropical. If you ever hear someone playing the Xylophone, you can bet they're either trying to make someone happy or dance- not unlike a banjo (banjos can also be an attempt at music). Sometime in 1996, Lou Iandoli got hold of an enormous Xylophone and installed it on the dias in front of the grand piano, where it was employed weekly until 2002, when he moved it to another church.

 Every single song during every single service from 1996-2002 would feature the Xylophone work of Lou Iandoli. I don't care if it was "Onward Christian Soldiers" or "The Old Rugged Cross", Lou would find a way to inject Carribean magic into those timeless classics. It was shear misery for many and no amount of Gong or Timpani could absolve the damage. Visions of Sebastian, the singing lobster from "The Little Mermaid" would materialize on the stage as I fought to contemplate the deity of Christ. "Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me!"

Oh No you di-uhnt'!

Take it from me, the Xylophone was complete misery. I can't stand to listen to one to this day. I'm sure Lou Iandoli has probably moved on by now... but it's not hard for me to imagine him plucking away on an old banjo in some church.... "Why are there so many, songs about rainbows... And what's on the other side...."

Rock on, Lou Iandoli!